Hello out there; is anyone reading this?
Pub Date: 11/1/2007
By Mark Staples
Montana Tavern Assoc.
Government Affairs Counsel
Montana Tavern Times editor and publisher Cole Boehler is always looking for an opinion piece from me regarding your industry issues.
I like Cole, I believe in the Tavern Times, and I have plenty of thoughts on "hospitality" matters. But frankly, I get tired of my own opinions, as I'm sure (many) readers do.
I'm actually not even convinced anyone reads them at all, or if they do, are influenced by them. So I beg off from writing, for months at a time. Still, Cole needs "content" and I hate to leave him hanging.
So, here' an experiment to see if anyone besides Cole and I even read the stuff I write. I'm purposely opining on matters far afield from our normal fare, just to see if anyone even raises an eyebrow. In no particular order:
1) Paul McCartney' new album, which of course the critics love, blows rancid chunks. He needs a séance with John Lennon. Shirley MacLaine could facilitate.
2) The new Monday Night Football announcer team would be better suited as funeral home directors.
3) I don't care if Senator Craig tapped, napped, rapped or flapped, I just don't give a damn, and find the press' fixation with all things prurient more disgusting than any wayward sexual proclivities of public figures, be they Democrat, Republican, or of the Animal Husbandry party. Repeat: who gives a rip?
4) Both the Griz and Cats, but for each other, should now roll through the Big Sky each year, given that all the otherl big bad boys of the league, Reno, Boise, and Idaho, left long ago.
5) The first "Pirates of the Caribbean" film was mildly, eccentrically amusing; the last one was incoherent and unendurable; ditto the latest Star Wars chapter.
6) Nevertheless, most kids, including mine, don't know the difference between a good film or a bad one, or care, so the studios just crank out the crud.
7) Meanwhile, the animated features of Pixar are in fact the best written (and acted) films made anymore.
8) "You're Beautiful," the ballad by James Blunt, former British soldier, which sold a billion copies last year, is like nails on a blackboard and isn't in the same universe as "You Are So Beautiful" by his countryman, Joe Cocker.
9) Speaking of British songsters, "Sting" who I otherwise like a lot, would be a lot more believable if he'd can the faux Jamaican accent.
10) It' not humanly possible for George Bush to be responsible for everything the liberals accuse him of; ditto Hillary Clinton and everything the right wing blames on her.
11) A beautiful 72-degree Indian Summer day in Montana is the absolute zenith of desirable weather.
12) I don't trust--nor do I think policymakers should trust--any would-be social reformer whose professional salary depends on the proposed reform.
13) Any pro, college, or high school footballer who dances around beating his chest after making a simple catch or tackle--which is only what he' supposed to do--should be benched for the rest of the game. Make it the rest of the season.
14) I'm sorry, Conan O'Brien is still not funny.
15) How the hell did Anderson "um, um" (listen to him), Cooper get Ted Koppel' spot?
16) If we've gotta "stay the course" in Iraq, (and I'm not sure we now have any choice) at least give our troops the frickin' equipment they need.
17) Fine wine and single Malt Scotch snobs have gotten to be a little much.
18) Speaking of alcohol, every drinker ought to know by age 30 his or her own line between being a fun drunk and a butthead, and learn not to cross it.
19) If you've stopped or cut back on your drinking, smoking, overeating, whatever, good for you, but keep it to yourself and stop preaching, will you please?
20) "Boston Legal" is the wittiest show on T.V., and William Shatner' addled Denny Bedard character is one of television' all-time bests.
21) Can someone tell me what the hell they're talking about in a "fine dining" place when they talk about a "demi glase" or a "reduction"? With the "demi," are we talking the gal who used to be married to Bruce Willis and got 20 million to get a boob job and flash Burt Reynolds "til his toupee dislodged? Is the "reduction" available surgically so I can lose my gut without dieting or exercise? Please advise.
22) Snowmobiling on some "groomed" trails is akin to having your joints jackhammered (no not those kinds of joints) and your molars floated.
23) Say what you want about SUV', but it' sure reassuring to be driving one when you're going over a mountain pass in a blizzard.
24) Britney is--as Shakespeare said--"more to be pitied than scorned," and pundits who get their rocks off crucifying her and the even more dimwitted Paris, are just common bullies.
25) Otherwise credible musicians, actors and artists, such as Springsteen, Neil Young, Mick Jagger, Sean Penn, Mellencamp and Willie ought to give it a rest on the now obligatory "George Bush is the devil" anthems. Whether you agree with that basic thesis or not, at this point, it' old hat, derivative, and the herd mentality antithesis of true creativity. And tell me again why just because Sean Penn is a good actor, that also makes him a foreign policy guru? The elective offices he' held are which?
26) Pro football coaches' ability to assess talent is suspect at best. Exhibit A: the Patriots' Tom Brady and Cowboys' Tony Romo, now both all-stars, only got to play at all when Drew Bledsoe collapsed at both places. Meanwhile, neither UM' All-American (and Canada' multi-time MVP) Dave Dickenson, nor MSU' wily and winning Travis Lulay can even get a look from NFL teams (say, like Atlanta) that are currently down to their third and fourth string guys, and are even bringing in 40-plus-year-olds off the couch. Pat Kelley...are you ready?
27) Although in my mind the M.D. who does a life-saving bypass procedure is immeasurably more valuable and skilled than a .200 "big league" hitter, the fact that the surgeon makes $300k and the hitter $8 million does not bother me. That' how the "market" shakes out, and people should be paid what they can negotiate.
28) Borrowers who bought 10 times more house than their incomes would warrant, with an "adjustable rate"or "no interest" or "nothing down" mortgage, should not now be bailed out at the expense of the rest of us, nor should the companies and institutions that made the bone-headed loans.
29) The fact that folks over 35 can't stand hip-hop, could be one of the main reasons young people like it.
30) "Kid Rock" is an imbecilic satire of real rock and roll. Kid, do yourself a favor, listen to "Devil In A Blue Dress" by Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels, then hang your hatted head and slink away, and take the hookers with you.
31) A lot of parents can't wait "til their kids move out. Not me. My son is 16. He thinks he'll be leaving home within a couple of years. Not a chance. He must stay till I die so he can continue to fix the satellite TV after I push the wrong button and it locks on a test pattern. I also need him to program my cell phone, look up things on the internet, and set the timer on the underground sprinklers. He can get married and have kids, but he can't leave unless he trains one of the grandkids to take care of me technologically. Then and only then can he go.
32) With due respect to middle-aged ladies, enough whining already about "crows feet" around your eyes and mouth. Try dealing with losing your hair. I'm not talking about thinning; I'm talking going from Elvis to Telly Salvalas in less than a decade. Face that in the mirror for a couple of years and then get back to me about the crows feet.
33) And by the way ladies, you can at least, if you want, Botox your lines away. We follicly-challenged males have no real options but acceptance. Toupees look like a divot taken by a tavern owner trying to golf, and "transplants" look like toilet brush bristles implanted by a Rainforest native on a hallucinogen using a blow tube. "Yes, thanks for noticing, it' my new transplanted hair. Would you like me to use it to scour your can?"
34) Say what you will about Montana Gov. Brian Schweitzer politically, but he makes the Energizer Bunny look like someone on Ludes', he' a fun guy to be around, and he stands up for your businesses. Ditto Montana Atty. Gen. Mike McGrath.
35) Most highly opinionated folks are actually boors (and bores) so enough of this, except...
36) One more time on the Scotch snobs, I only said that to see if Kevin Head is paying attention. Actually I strongly believe you should enjoy whatever floats your bobber.
Cheers.
Source: The Montana Tavern Times, November, 2007, published monthly by Continental Communications, 125 W. Granite St., Suite 102, Butte, MT 59701.